wisdom

the tearing open of
new holes in my body
waiting for him to fill
them with his essence,
his healing self.

my teeth are chattering,
the cold is drawing near,
men in white masks and coats
hover around me, creating
a scene of harsh sterility.

nobody there to comfort me
nobody there with well wishes
nobody here to ease my pain
nobody here to tuck me in
save for his voice above all.

letting go of all pain inside,
i hear his smile, smell his aura
feel his eyes upon my person
from afar, wishing he was near
to help me through this.

although not physically with me,
i sense his presence all around
its mere existence makes up
for the swelling and the ache
and the agony and the stitches.

if only he was at my side, it would all be but a memory.

days and nights

finishing each other's sentences
without a care in the entire world
laying my head gently on his shoulder
feeling his beating heart with my hand

this is how i want to spend my days.

knowing that i have someone there
a man who truly cares about me
for my heart and mind and soul
not just for my flesh and blood

gives me solace in these solitary nights.

drinking in his laughter and his smile
dreaming about seeing him yet again
thinking of our next time together
writing, venting my thoughts on paper

i pass the time away until our next shared day.

watching the moon, reminded of him,
i seem to see his face in its creamy image
wading through my mind to find his voice,
a memory of a time when he was near.

it is all i can do to get through the night.

harnessing my loneliness, keeping it within,
waiting for the time when i see him next
humming to myself a song he sang to me
and closing my eyes when i think of him.

i look forward to falling asleep with him someday.

before him, i never had this ache in my heart
when the one i was with was nowhere to be found.
it feels wonderful to be with him, and yet
the pang of loss is ever-present to replace him.

when it arrives, i cannot wait to take back the night.

hematoma

bursting blood vessels
writhing under my skin,
seeing my life in front of me
unable to go forward.

a train that cannot stop
on well-beaten tracks,
driven by experience
and halted by nature.

no longer any more time
left for the one who bleeds.
whose head can stand
this sudden rupture?

leftovers donated to those
far less fortunate in life,
but the blood pools and is
unceremoniously discarded.

people walk along the street
wearing someone else's liver,
carrying another's lung
seeing with a stranger's eyes,

surviving when others died for them.

together

two sisters with different mothers
know nothing of each other
but somehow feel a broken bond
across the sea, across the world

walking along the ocean shore,
one calls out her name to the sky
letting her voice be carried away
with the birds and the sea spray

turning her back to her family,
she heads out into the unknown
with naught but a bag full of hope
and a face to match her own.

her counterpart senses her near,
standing outside on the porch
hesitantly raising her fist to knock
and trembling with anticipation

as the door slowly opens to her
a face peers out from the dark
acting as a mirror to reveal
what she thought she knew

the doppelganger sees through
her as if she was an open book
leading her inside and asking only
"why did you not come earlier?"

to this she has no answer.

happiness

everything about him seems
almost too good to be true.
perfection is impossible
and yet here we are.

safely wrapped in his able arms,
i find myself a perfect fit.
we nestle together as one.
no separation, no walls.

two beings, ever connected
true happiness is hard to find
perfection is impossible
and yet here we are

walking at the same pace,
tucked under his arm,
i fill the space next to him
like it was meant for me.

bliss engulfs me entirely -
never have i felt this way.
perfection is impossible
and yet here we are.

unsaid

the glacial pace of your heartbeat
makes me tremble with anticipation
speeding up with every breath you expel
causing my hair to stand on end.

there's just no chance of us staying up
until past four, that witching hour
when nothing productive occurs
yet everything we do then has

a certain je ne sais quoi.

leaving things unsaid is my modus operandi
but sometimes i don't want to leave things up to chance
sometimes i want to just tell you and let things happen
i don't want to risk losing you before i even have you.

scorned

the numerous smirks of recognition
pull at the strings of my heart
stretching my being
until it thins
and becomes transparent

until no more of me
is left in existence.

editorials of my life
submitted by those
whom i have scorned

but who judges scorn?

am i another square saltine
or truly a unique individual?

tell it to me straight or not at all.

monday

i cannot believe it -
all the waiting is finally over
anticipation has met its match
monday has indeed arrived.

us, a faux-married couple?
you spurn my cheese
at our makeshift picnic
on the grass in my backyard.

laughable horror films
proprietary squeezes
me jumping in surprise
you calling me out...

interminable hand holding
catcalls and offerings of food
making out at red lights
close calls on the highway.

all of that matters not
when remembering back
to that perfect first kiss
we shared on monday.

disapproval

eyes forever shifting,
watching my every move
waiting on the day when i
make that fatal mistake.

worries surface wildly, and
span across your visage,
illustrating to the nth degree
your lack of confidence in me.

languidly trailing my hand
in the stormy waters of my mind,
i come to the conclusion that
no one believes in me at all.

difficult to phrase, but easy to note,
i see their disapproval
in everything they do
and in all they say.

education, finances, future plans, responsibilities...
the list continues on interminably,
stretching as far as the eye
can see.

their impending disappointment is a world of worry on my shoulders.
like atlas, i feel as if i could throw it off with ease
and yet, somehow, i never do.

absence

eons of waiting
left alone without you
hoping for the day when we
can fall asleep together.

on the porch, looking out
over the rain-soaked ground
i feel you there with me
and yet your absence aches.

one day we will be as one
but until then i feel a pang
every time i think of how
i cannot see you now.

however much i try
to push the thought of you
someplace where it will not hurt,
it always returns to me.

remaining forever
in the back of my mind,
ready to spring up
and latch onto me again.

the only consolation in this
heartstring-tugging dilemma
is, although today I do not see you,
tomorrow is the day i do.

intimacy

kissing is an art in itself
yet it is viewed as common.

tongue darting inside,
an exchange of saliva,
contracting facial muscles,
intense suction action.

intimacy is lost in the fray
and given up for lost.

people come together,
clumsily raking hands
across layers of clothing,
reaching south interminably.

the difficulty of bra straps,
the uncertainty of underthings,
the possibility of lingerie-induced
shame
lingers in the pheromone-filled air.

as the night comes to a close
two people consummate their lust
and call it love
as their hearts implode.

please don't go

next to me, i feel
your heat radiate
letting me know
you are truly there.

pulling you closer,
trying to become one
over and over
osmosis embraces.

kisses are hinted at,
we bend instead
into shapes of spoons
to fit together well.

running my fingers
through your hair,
i take in the smell
of you - your essence.

hearing your voice,
your infectious laugh,
makes it hard to wait
for our next rendezvous.

can't you just stay here for good?

density

as i sit on the stoop with heavy eyes
there is thundering in the distance
ever so slowly increasing,
gaining on me.

my posture is wilted, under a burden
to immense for me alone to bear,
i look out into the bruised sky
is someone watching me?

as nature's roof caves in completely,
dropping its rainy loins upon me,
suddenly i am wet within
as well as without...

my thoughts seeping through me from inside out.