creature

I keep the wolf from the door
But he calls me up
Calls me on the phone
Tells me all the ways that
He’s gonna mess me up

Worse for me than I'll ever know,
the beast clambers at my door
gnashing his teeth, ready to bite.

If I let him in will he ravage me?
Or will he devour me instead?

And...do I want him to?
I did invite him here.

Prying my life open, he forces himself
through my door, my entrance,
the very window into me.

Breaking and entering.
Not my choice after all.

Once inside of me, he burrows his wet nose
deep into the furrows of my soul.
Cavities unseen even by me,
he discovers by brute force.

Apologies, supplications,
I beg and plead for
something else.
Anything else.

Why am I the sorry one?
Why do I have to automatically buckle?
Under pressure, screaming let me out.

In the morning, the creature slinks away
as soon as the sun peeks over the horizon,
leaving me huddled in a heap with
far more questions than answers.

And bruises galore, inside and out.

make my own luck

There is no way to go but up - or is there?
Failure is not an option, yet is forever in my mind.

Torn between so many potentials,
Being with you or you or you,
Doing x with my life or continuing y,
Seizing opportunities or making my own luck...

Work takes everything out of me, leaving me in the red.
The shifts are interminable, the days bleed together
Like breaths or like fading memories of years long gone.
I also bleed, wondering when I will earn my own success.

This success is not for me at all
- I come last -
But rather for the two who raised me.

For them to finally see through the haze they created,
To lift their respective veils of disappointment and denial,
And let them finally see me for who I truly am:

A reasonably talented, semi-muscular woman
With a good head on her shoulders,
A positive outlook on life, and

(Most importantly)

A bright future full of boundless opportunities,
Instead of a twisted path riddled with obstacles.

No matter what life has in store for me,
I am ready for it all!

After surviving a grand jury of familial proportions,
And achieving personal success in the face of
Utter, unwarranted disapproval...
Anything is possible.

Strength from strife and love for life.

ensnared

There is an ache inside of me but
My illness is psychosomatic.
I feel a sudden disconnect
Within myself but also with you.

Where are the ties that bind?
I see none between us
Yet somehow I am drawn in,
Further ensnared in your web.

As the crescendo reaches its peak,
All the air is sucked out of my chest.
Listening to you talk about her,
I am left disoriented and weak.

Alone and antsy, waiting for a sign.
I imagine the impossible.
A wall, built by Montresor himself,
Stands to decimate our potential.

Nothing if not a realist,
I put a stop to these dreams.
But somehow they creep their way back
Into the back of my mind, my subconscious.

A glimpse of your face in a dream...
The thought of a day together,
Free to talk, to let my eyes wander,
Taking in your exquisite form.

My oft-broken heart, open and ready,
Has much to lose but far more to gain.
I'm left wondering about the future
And where I should go from here.

implode

indifferent to my surroundings,
content to be alone forever,
it's hard to muster up the feelings
others seem to have in spades.

riding on a haze of boredom,
coasting through life in solitude,
having pushed people away
at every twist and turn.

difficulties compound upon me,
wreaking havoc on my heart.

while others turn to friends for comfort,
i hold my sadness inside,
waiting to one day implode.

sometimes i dream of a day
when all of this is in the past.
a day when i am truly happy,
and feel no shame in myself.

looking at the world anew,
i see so many fresh young faces
ready to take life by storm,
as yet still blissfully unaware.

failures mount,
patterns reemerge,
nothing is quite the same
as it used to be
and yet nothing changes.

to break this spell i'm under,
to cast off the shroud of apathy,
i must summon up the courage
to finally allow myself to feel.

pressure building, insides roiling,
the day will come when i can stand it no longer,
these feelings i try to stifle through
my cynicism and negativity
will be held at bay no longer.

too long suppressed out of fear or shame,
all of my emotions come rushing out of me,
at long last escaping from my breast,
forever free to absorb the light of day.

raw intensity like i've never felt before,
the trappings of ennui a thing of the past,
i am open to the world, open to everything...

ultimately ready for whatever
and whomever comes my way.

potential

The truth hurts but lies are twisted,
their layered plot points overlapping
like so many unnecessary appendages.

Claustrophobic by nature,
lies are self-sabotaging entities
that attract more of the same,
creating swarms of disembodied deceit.

There's a sour taste in my mouth,
and the ever-present dread
rears its ugly head with
each and every call.

Far worse than an outright lie
is a truth that remains ignored.
You could not face your own heart,
so you chose instead to toy with mine.

Unwilling to take the risk,
the leap of faith - faith in the potential
for that certain something between us -
you receded into the woodwork.

Catching glimpses of you now and again,
I see no recognition in your eyes.

Life with someone this open and honest
is certainly a refreshing change,
but more important than that,
I have realized that there are good men out there.

The way he looks at me, with eyes that devour,
makes my skin tingle with anticipation.
I eagerly await the next step,
whatever that might be.

As long as we are honest with ourselves,
we have nothing but blue skies ahead!