plunge

exchanging glances across the room,
waiting for him to make his move
it's all i can do to look away...
but he finally takes the plunge

that smile, showing all his teeth
sends shivers down my spine
how lovely to see happiness
and how it becomes him so!

to spend time with someone new
taking in all the richness of his company
and breathing in the smoke of life
is the marrow of the day we must seize.

feeling the warmth of the sun on my
flushed face as we emerge from below,
coughing and smiling and laughing
our time spent inhaling and living.

unsure whether to lean in for a hug
or if i should succumb to my desire
and lean in for that kiss i want so much,
i head for home, without looking back.

seeing

green and blue hues swim
in front of my watery eyes.
the smoke suddenly clear,

I see me.

uncomprehending, I lurch
forward to get a better view
and gasp at what I see.

I see puffy eyes, red with the blood
pulsing maniacally in my veins,
dilated and wide with substance.

I see flushed cheeks, red from
slapping them with my own hands,
an idea that got old far too late.

I see messy hair, red but fading,
sticking out from every direction
and needing to be taken care of.

I see my hands, red and scratched
from my tiffs with friends more
under “the” influence than I.

I see me.

is this what I have become?
I can barely recognize myself
with all the changes
that it has caused.

never again, no more, I vow.
first thing...starting tomorrow.

him

euphoria overwhelms my life;
until now, I never felt this way.
I don't think I will ever go back.

everything reminds me of him,
and I cannot go for long without
hearing his rich, calming voice.

having happiness within reach is
new to me in absolutely every way -
I could really get used to its warmth.

knowing that things can only get better
helps me sleep at night when all I need
is his body lying there next to me.

conflicting emotions radiate from me,
parental worries surround my head,
and yet I feel blissfully unaware -

ensconced within a warm, content cocoon
of requited affection and mutual happiness.

an amateur scientist in the art of love,
he has created a wonderful monster,
made from respect and attraction and

a sort of lightness that keeps me afloat
in those days without him by my side.

ecstasy is mine, shared only by him.
being with him is worth every sacrifice, and
my parents have even fallen under his spell.

his magic is without ulterior motives,
meant to buoy us both higher and higher,
raising ourselves to meet our hopes

and fulfill our many-splendored dreams.

words will never hurt me

prying eyes, following
me everywhere I go
never allowing any
peace of mind,
I have no time alone.

people all around
watching, waiting
for me to err -
marring my life,
scuffing my future.

hovering near me
talking incessantly
about nothing at all
I tune them out but
somehow still hear.

a guillotine of words
shower upon my head
washing over me in sharp
waves of piercing urgency,
repeating the same phrases
tirelessly, again and again.

letting their words dry,
evaporating slowly from
my soaked, shivering body,
I listen to them for once.
what is all the fuss about?

failure, slippery slope, unmotivated, waste, mistakes, worry...

continuing forever, seemingly,
it is difficult to close my ears
to the hatred and the words
that should never hurt me,
but that hurt more than the
proverbial sticks and stones.

contrary to their phrasal barrage,
I choose to live my life my way -
no interferences or interruptions.
I know they love me, I know it,
but this is not the way to show it.

knowing

the infectious way you laugh
your future aspirations
the blue hue of your eyes
why you hate cheese

all these things i know

yet none of them holds a candle
to the things i feel about you

knowledge may be power
but i need no power over you

what i feel is more powerful

the way you lighten my load
and take away my fears . . .
that is all the more important

feelings overpower me
but i welcome them with
open arms, outstretched
to take you inside

to show you how i feel.

withdrawal

I memorize every inch of you,
taking in your distinctive aroma.
putting it at the forefront,
the very pinnacle
of my mind.

trying to keep you with me
somehow,
straining to feel your embrace
during the cold, lonely nights
you seem nothing but a dream.

when my eyes finally close
and my mind ceases to race,
you are what I long for.
making me whole,
maintaining my sanity,
when you are by my side.

withdrawal eats away at me,
chilling me to the bone and
sending me reeling.
as much as you leaving would kill me,
being the one to leave hurts the most.

the feeling of needing someone
is new and alien to me,
and yet I find myself
day after day, yearning
to have you in my arms.

I look forward to the day when I can see you again.

all over me

smiling, i hear music.

drenched in purple richness,
doubled over with its weight
i sense the trickling of water
slowly spilling out from my brain

losing it all, reducing myself
to nothing more than dust
i feel around with my fingers,
antennae of a different sort.

too high to ask for help from you,
too high to sink to that level,
too high to do much of anything...

leaving myself behind, i have one and then another.

i shrink back, my hands forming a window.
nothing is real, it all looks too bright.

shapes and shimmers at my back,
feeling them crawl all over me
like legs with no bodies
or feet with no legs
or toes with no feet
all over me...

shivers take me over, all is black.

coming out of my funk, i see more light - the light.

another? i think not.

not you

reaching upwards
failing yet again
who can extend
a hand or a limb?

detached from you
like milk and oil -
never truly together,
i skirted the edges

of your life.

letting you go was
the hardest thing,
and yet once i did
a feeling of lightness

enveloped me.

my life is so full now,
my heart so healthy,
but never can i forget
the things of the past.

no longer an option,
hate does nothing for me.
i can now only love,
and love i do...

but not you.

return

i wake up next to your
warm, empty place
on the bed at my side;
it's rapidly turning cold.

your lush, green odor
permeates my mind,
remnants left over
from so recently...

i feel your hands
upon my contours,
and never let go of
the ideas that loom.

looking at myself
in the mirror, i see
you behind my eyes
and within my smile.

hearing voices, i turn
to see you at the door -
coming from the kitchen,
you never left at all.

deception

so close and yet so far,
arms always around me
and yet somehow absent -
in the smallest of things
i feel cold and small.

contrary to appearances,
things can be deceptive
and draw you in only to
let you go prematurely
and leave you with nothing.

printed cards emblazoned
with two names, united.

shoving the truth in my face,
with no room for ambiguity.

i thought we were together
i thought it wouldn't end
i thought you said you loved me,
no lies slipping through your teeth.

but slip they did, like eels in oil,
and now i am left with no one
to spend my nights with

or take to your wedding.

wisdom

the tearing open of
new holes in my body
waiting for him to fill
them with his essence,
his healing self.

my teeth are chattering,
the cold is drawing near,
men in white masks and coats
hover around me, creating
a scene of harsh sterility.

nobody there to comfort me
nobody there with well wishes
nobody here to ease my pain
nobody here to tuck me in
save for his voice above all.

letting go of all pain inside,
i hear his smile, smell his aura
feel his eyes upon my person
from afar, wishing he was near
to help me through this.

although not physically with me,
i sense his presence all around
its mere existence makes up
for the swelling and the ache
and the agony and the stitches.

if only he was at my side, it would all be but a memory.

days and nights

finishing each other's sentences
without a care in the entire world
laying my head gently on his shoulder
feeling his beating heart with my hand

this is how i want to spend my days.

knowing that i have someone there
a man who truly cares about me
for my heart and mind and soul
not just for my flesh and blood

gives me solace in these solitary nights.

drinking in his laughter and his smile
dreaming about seeing him yet again
thinking of our next time together
writing, venting my thoughts on paper

i pass the time away until our next shared day.

watching the moon, reminded of him,
i seem to see his face in its creamy image
wading through my mind to find his voice,
a memory of a time when he was near.

it is all i can do to get through the night.

harnessing my loneliness, keeping it within,
waiting for the time when i see him next
humming to myself a song he sang to me
and closing my eyes when i think of him.

i look forward to falling asleep with him someday.

before him, i never had this ache in my heart
when the one i was with was nowhere to be found.
it feels wonderful to be with him, and yet
the pang of loss is ever-present to replace him.

when it arrives, i cannot wait to take back the night.

hematoma

bursting blood vessels
writhing under my skin,
seeing my life in front of me
unable to go forward.

a train that cannot stop
on well-beaten tracks,
driven by experience
and halted by nature.

no longer any more time
left for the one who bleeds.
whose head can stand
this sudden rupture?

leftovers donated to those
far less fortunate in life,
but the blood pools and is
unceremoniously discarded.

people walk along the street
wearing someone else's liver,
carrying another's lung
seeing with a stranger's eyes,

surviving when others died for them.

together

two sisters with different mothers
know nothing of each other
but somehow feel a broken bond
across the sea, across the world

walking along the ocean shore,
one calls out her name to the sky
letting her voice be carried away
with the birds and the sea spray

turning her back to her family,
she heads out into the unknown
with naught but a bag full of hope
and a face to match her own.

her counterpart senses her near,
standing outside on the porch
hesitantly raising her fist to knock
and trembling with anticipation

as the door slowly opens to her
a face peers out from the dark
acting as a mirror to reveal
what she thought she knew

the doppelganger sees through
her as if she was an open book
leading her inside and asking only
"why did you not come earlier?"

to this she has no answer.

happiness

everything about him seems
almost too good to be true.
perfection is impossible
and yet here we are.

safely wrapped in his able arms,
i find myself a perfect fit.
we nestle together as one.
no separation, no walls.

two beings, ever connected
true happiness is hard to find
perfection is impossible
and yet here we are

walking at the same pace,
tucked under his arm,
i fill the space next to him
like it was meant for me.

bliss engulfs me entirely -
never have i felt this way.
perfection is impossible
and yet here we are.

unsaid

the glacial pace of your heartbeat
makes me tremble with anticipation
speeding up with every breath you expel
causing my hair to stand on end.

there's just no chance of us staying up
until past four, that witching hour
when nothing productive occurs
yet everything we do then has

a certain je ne sais quoi.

leaving things unsaid is my modus operandi
but sometimes i don't want to leave things up to chance
sometimes i want to just tell you and let things happen
i don't want to risk losing you before i even have you.

scorned

the numerous smirks of recognition
pull at the strings of my heart
stretching my being
until it thins
and becomes transparent

until no more of me
is left in existence.

editorials of my life
submitted by those
whom i have scorned

but who judges scorn?

am i another square saltine
or truly a unique individual?

tell it to me straight or not at all.

monday

i cannot believe it -
all the waiting is finally over
anticipation has met its match
monday has indeed arrived.

us, a faux-married couple?
you spurn my cheese
at our makeshift picnic
on the grass in my backyard.

laughable horror films
proprietary squeezes
me jumping in surprise
you calling me out...

interminable hand holding
catcalls and offerings of food
making out at red lights
close calls on the highway.

all of that matters not
when remembering back
to that perfect first kiss
we shared on monday.

disapproval

eyes forever shifting,
watching my every move
waiting on the day when i
make that fatal mistake.

worries surface wildly, and
span across your visage,
illustrating to the nth degree
your lack of confidence in me.

languidly trailing my hand
in the stormy waters of my mind,
i come to the conclusion that
no one believes in me at all.

difficult to phrase, but easy to note,
i see their disapproval
in everything they do
and in all they say.

education, finances, future plans, responsibilities...
the list continues on interminably,
stretching as far as the eye
can see.

their impending disappointment is a world of worry on my shoulders.
like atlas, i feel as if i could throw it off with ease
and yet, somehow, i never do.

absence

eons of waiting
left alone without you
hoping for the day when we
can fall asleep together.

on the porch, looking out
over the rain-soaked ground
i feel you there with me
and yet your absence aches.

one day we will be as one
but until then i feel a pang
every time i think of how
i cannot see you now.

however much i try
to push the thought of you
someplace where it will not hurt,
it always returns to me.

remaining forever
in the back of my mind,
ready to spring up
and latch onto me again.

the only consolation in this
heartstring-tugging dilemma
is, although today I do not see you,
tomorrow is the day i do.

intimacy

kissing is an art in itself
yet it is viewed as common.

tongue darting inside,
an exchange of saliva,
contracting facial muscles,
intense suction action.

intimacy is lost in the fray
and given up for lost.

people come together,
clumsily raking hands
across layers of clothing,
reaching south interminably.

the difficulty of bra straps,
the uncertainty of underthings,
the possibility of lingerie-induced
shame
lingers in the pheromone-filled air.

as the night comes to a close
two people consummate their lust
and call it love
as their hearts implode.

please don't go

next to me, i feel
your heat radiate
letting me know
you are truly there.

pulling you closer,
trying to become one
over and over
osmosis embraces.

kisses are hinted at,
we bend instead
into shapes of spoons
to fit together well.

running my fingers
through your hair,
i take in the smell
of you - your essence.

hearing your voice,
your infectious laugh,
makes it hard to wait
for our next rendezvous.

can't you just stay here for good?

density

as i sit on the stoop with heavy eyes
there is thundering in the distance
ever so slowly increasing,
gaining on me.

my posture is wilted, under a burden
to immense for me alone to bear,
i look out into the bruised sky
is someone watching me?

as nature's roof caves in completely,
dropping its rainy loins upon me,
suddenly i am wet within
as well as without...

my thoughts seeping through me from inside out.

fetters

flailing away, nothing left inside
where is my mind?
give credit where it's due,
but let things rest in peace
not in pieces.

in your last days,
do you see me in your life?
do i flash before your eyes,
like pictures, snapshots
taken without care?

the essence of life
is bottled and sold
when love is lost
and woe is me.

rattle the chains
on your fetters
let me know
how i can aid
you when you love.

on my mind

twigs digging into my back
feel harsh but bring me closer
to the reality, to the life
i choose to be living...
that is, in the moment.

losing things with you inside me
plunging into the frigidity
of the lake that is my being
pulling apart the membrane
of two separate people

to become one, together.

sand in my teeth,
under my nails, and
on my mind all the time
since you were with me
for the first time.

i'll be in the sky, waiting forever
for your hungry kiss...
as you push me against a wall
that embraces me in return
for the love i can give out.

wish i had been with you last night.

ditties

it's true - you got me
in an octopus' garden
let me just float on
and don't cry for me
unless bowie's in space

i'm a virgin...but not
quite when you were mine.
i really wanna hold your hand.
let the manhole of my sighs
show that i'm just like a woman.

i know you can satisfy my soul
wouldn't it be nice if instead of
all along the watchtower, i saw
the twisted faces at last...
instead we could be love's proof

it ain't me babe. it ain't me.

chazen

originality is all relative

obvious statement
yes
but true nonetheless

can nobody find anything
new to create anymore?

people work and work,
slaving away,
selling themselves
for recreations
and duplications

of the old masters,
one way or another.

michelangelo
rafael
botticelli
rubens
van gogh

where does it end?
when can we make something
of ourselves
and leave others well alone?

the denoument of one's life
leaves much to the imagination
but little that is actually achieved.

hollow

walk away from me, lover
peel away the layers
strip down to nothing
and let it all out

out into the world at large

spew your thoughts
onto the pavement
letting them splash when they hit
the puddles of crushed hope
strewn around me

sic your unwanted urges
and superfluous feelings
on the hoax that is my life

leaving an empty shell
in the now hollow place
where my mind once was.

i challenge you to
fill me up with yourself.

coverage

peering out from the darkness
you can hear me before i see you

with your clear eyes and
your shock of light hair,
i need no help from my friends
to recognize you for who you are

a devil in satanist's clothing
a whore in a lover's disguise
a grasshopper acting as teacher

a shriveled up, wizened old man
with nothing better to do than hurt -

me.

i cannot help but see ghosts
whenever i hear your name
and pray that i believe in a god
when all hope is lost

but no god appears
and none ever has.

between

her glistening eyes
open themselves to anyone
windows to nowhere
special at all.

embrace the infinite
ever-flowing lifeblood
gushing outward,
from me to you to her to them

you heat up the place
nestled between her legs
and under her skirt
and in your hands

where did we lose it?
nowhere...anywhere
in the mind
in the body

flesh to flesh
never feeling
always touching
and always groping
for more

but never truly receiving what is desired.

worse

somewhere in the distance
i can hear the roar
of your breath in my ears

saying
let me in
let me inside of you

the shudders
of noontime
are almost worse
than being alone

pulling out my hair
on the way to the train
dignifying you with
an answer

is too much to bear

but i give you the rain
i give you my pain
and i give you my all.

it is all i have to give
anymore.

an apolaustic cornucopia of euphonies

Some words everyone should know, and ones that I just enjoy letting roll off my tongue:

A:

atrabilious (at-rah-BIL-yes) — 1. melancholic; gloomy. 2. irritable; ill-natured; peevish

avuncular (ah-VUNG-kyah-ler) — 1. of or having to do with an uncle. 2. regarded as characteristic of an uncle, especially in benevolence or tolerance

B:

boeotian (be-OH-shen) — stupid; dull

botryoidal (BOT-ree-oid-el) — shaped like a bunch of grapes

C:

callipygian (kal-ah-PIJ-ee-en) — having beautifully proportioned buttocks

coprolalia (kop-rah-LA-lee-ah) — 1. the uncontrolled, often obsessive use of obscene or scatological language that may accompany certain mental disorders. 2. foul speech

curple (KER-pul) — buttocks; rump

D:

defenestrate (dee-FEN-i-strate) — to throw out of a window

doryphore (DOR-ee-phor) — one who draws attention to the minor errors made by others, esp. in a pestering manner; a pedantic gadfly

E:

ecdysiast (ek-DEZ-ee-ast) — a striptease artist

epicaricacy (EP-i-kar-ik-i-see) — taking pleasure in other's misfortune; schadenfreude

F:

flibbertigibbet (FLIB-er-tee-jib-it) — a silly, scatterbrained, or garrulous person

funambulism (fyoo-NAM-byah-liz-em) — tightrope walking

G:

gallivant (GAL-ah-vant) — to roam about in search of pleasure or amusement

H:

hebetudinous (heb-i-TOOD-i-nes) — dull-minded; mentally lethargic

hoi polloi (hoi-pah-LOI) — the common people; the masses

I:

insouciant (in-SOO-see-ant) — marked by blithe unconcern; nonchalant

J:

jejune (je-JOON) — not interesting, dull, empty; childish

K:

kakistocracy (kak-i-STOK-rah-see) — government by the worst or least qualified citizens

L:

lachrymose (LAK-rah-mos) — 1. weeping or inclined to weep; tearful. 2. causing or tending to cause tears.

lascivious (lah-SIV-ee-es) — 1. given to or expressing lust; lecherous. 2. exciting sexual desires; salacious

lethologica (lee-tho-LO-gi-ca) — 1. the inability to remember the right word. 2. a psychological disorder that inhibits an individual's ability to articulate thoughts by temporarily forgetting key words, phrases, or names in conversation

logorrhea (log-ah-REE-ah) — excessive, incoherent talkativeness

M:

meretricious (mer-i-TRISH-es) — 1. attracting attention in a vulgar manner; plausible but false or insincere; specious. 2. of or relating to prostitutes or prostitution.

merkin (MUR-kin) — a pubic wig for women

monophagous (moh-NAF-ah-ges) — eating only one kind of food

N:

nihilistic (ni-ah-LIS-tik) — 1. believing all values are baseless and that nothing can be known or communicated. 2. rejecting all distinctions in moral or religious value and repudiating all previous theories of morality or religious belief. 3. believing that destruction of existing political or social institutions is necessary for future improvement. 4. having the delusion that the world or one's mind, body, or self does not exist

O:

obloquy (OB-lah-kwee) — verbal abuse of a person or thing

omphaloskepsis (om-fah-loh-SKEP-sis) — contemplation of one's navel

P:

pandiculation (pan-dik-yoo-LA-shen) — yawning and stretching (as when first waking up).

phalanx (FA-langks) — a compact group of people

pilgarlic (pil-GAR-lik) — a bald-headed man

pulchritudinous (pul-kri-TOOD-en-es) — having great physical beauty or appeal

Q:

quatopygia (kwah-tah-PIJ-ee-ah) — the shaking of the buttocks while walking

quidnunc (KWID-nungk) — a busybody; a nosy person

R:

ribaldry (RI-bal-dree) — coarse language or humor

rodomontade (rod-ah-mon-TADE) — pretentious boasting or bragging; bluster

S:

sesquipedalian (ses-kwi-pi-DAY-lee-en) — 1. given to using long words. 2. (of a word) containing many syllables

siderodromophobia (si-der-oh-droh-moh-PHO-bee-ah) — fear of trains, railroads, or train travel

somnambulism (som-NAM-byah-liz-em) — sleepwalking

steatopygian (stee-at-oh-PIJ-ee-ah) — having an excess accumulation of fat on the buttocks

T:

titillating (TIT-i-layt-ing) — 1. stimulating from light touching; tickling. 2. pleasurably, superficially, or erotically exciting

troglodyte (TROG-lah-dite) — a cave dweller; recluse

U:

ululate (UL-ya-late) — to howl, wail, or lament loudly

uxorious (uk-SOR-ee-es) — excessively fond or submissive to one's wife

V:

valetudinarian (val-i-tood-en-AR-ee-en) — a sickly or weak person, especially one who is constantly and morbidly concerned with his or her health

virago (vi-RA-go) — a loud-voiced, ill-tempered, scolding woman

vitiate (VISH-ee-ate) — 1. to reduce the value or impair the quality of. 2. to corrupt morally; debase. 3. to make ineffective; invalidate

W:

weanling (WEEN-ling) — a child or animal newly weaned

X:

xanthippe (zan-THIP-ee) — 1. the wife of Socrates: the prototype of the quarrelsome, scolding wife. 2. a shrewish, nagging wife.

Y:

yesternight (YES-ter-nite) — last night

Z:

zaftig (ZAF-tig) — 1. full-bosomed. 2. having a full, shapely figure

sounds

i can hear your voice in my dreams
warming me to my core
letting in the light, allowing the
dark to seep its way out.

as much as i hate to be alone,
being with someone under
false pretenses is worse
than cheating and lying and dying
for a cause i don't really believe in.

hearing your laughter,
your lilting lightheartedness
which your lips eke out
for all the public to take in.

take me in your arms
so that i may see what you see
in me.

mistakes

solitary whispers in the fog,
dictating my whole life
which stands before me
open and inviting

until

the sound of resignation
the slow release of responsibilities
the thick cloud of lust
draws its curtains around me

and never lets me out
until i make another mistake
about who i let inside.

we're all just babies at heart
ignorant of love at a greater level,
than just admiration and dependence
on those who care for you.

passion takes over my mind
when nothing else makes sense
and leads me towards an unknown path
which seems to writhe beneath me.

i cannot see far enough in front
and am blind to my own true self
looking inward helps me little
and only skews my emotions

with the wrath of a lover scorned.

brick wall

so unsure am i,
unsteady on my feet
never ready to take the next step
in life.

if indeed i do decide
to further embark
along a chosen path,
i am never fully satisfied...

there is always something
that i have missed -
or, that is how it appears
in my own twisted view.

one way yields a brick wall
another way shows me my future
but what does it entail?
to walk away from it all.

why are we forced to
give up our beliefs,
to lick the shoes
of those we hate?

getting farther in the world,
gaining higher ground...
these things, i have decided,
are not for me at all.

wink

come, now, you two,
standing at attention
in front of me:
both a part of you, yes,
but with garnishment
all their own.

metal in your sternum
glistens in the dark,
letting in the rain
that pours down
like a shaft of light,
heightening our sensations.

steeling myself for it all:
the moment we touch,
when utter ecstasy
and sheer bliss
envelop our collective
consciousness.

i follow hungrily,
a blanket of tiny hairs
that trail their way down,
leading me south...
the road less traveled
could easily lie here.

cerulean

i know not what the future may hold,
but i can already feel my life reaching out
to touch me and yet there is also
a release, a release of cares
and the introduction of indifference.

hope flees me suddenly,
showing me what could be,
what could happen,
sans a semblance of the trust
I have now in myself,
in my potential.

should i give up,
my life is on the brink.
despair - such a definite term
cerulean in color -
but it resembles me
in so many ways.

fleeting happiness,
tickling me tantalizingly,
is always too elusive to grasp
with any chance of keeping it...
with enough time to savor it.

nobody understands
what anyone else is going through
walking miles in no shoes at all
least of all yours.

pieces

beautiful glass shapes
filling up my life
pieces of me, pieces of green
in one end
coming out the other
to increase my height

puffs of white, thick swirls
flow past my cheeks
my mouth rounds itself
to surround the hole

suck in slowly
hold the pose
smile for the camera
let it be
a moment forever frozen
in my mind

emotions floating
around the room
bon iver in my head
hendrix in my veins
everything in my mind
but nothing in my hands

hazy thoughts cross my mind
people everywhere snarl my name
gnawing away at my soul
but I am never truly theirs
nor truly mine.

just stop

give me back my life
let me go, please
you're hurting my soul
but more than that
you're hurting yourself

it was over before it began
the thoughts pouring out like rain
the sound of busy humming
the clash of metal on metal
we were done and you didn't know

inklings
hunches
gut reactions
told me and told me again

you were not for me
i was not for you
we were nowhere near
becoming one

organs crushed underfoot
the smell of clarity, finally
seeing my life unfold
without you

brings a light into my heart.

visibility

faces shifting
ever changing
can time stop for a second
never never

for me
or you

wishful thinking
of a new path
noises...never let me sleep
without a new dimension
of thought, word, and deed

drinking the odors
of the earth
feeling the waves of sound
surround me

i know i am at one
with everything
and nothing

simultaneous pleasure
and repulsion
envelop me

wrap themselves up in me
wrap me up in their embrace
interminable pain
never ending confusion

obfuscating and obstructing,
i flee myself
but yet remain tranquil

blind and content.

aimlessness

in a zoe trope
spinning my life away
in a haze of blue smoke
with nutmeg on my breath

i see you in the distance
a blur...becoming clear
too far to touch, but
close enough to hear

let me show you why
i told you all those times
tearing at my clothes
screaming out in pain

within my coal black center
i look inside for more
nothing says i love you
like whispering take me now.

unattainability

songs with no meaning
take hope from the hopeless,
vacuuming our fate
til it becomes nothing more than darkness
cloaked in naught.

words are just words,
can they ever truly save?
all is so relative...
can happiness ever truly remain
or am i still hanging by a thread like so many others?

would you have us be drones
cleaning out our minds, leaving nothing behind -
rendering its nostalgic leanings merely detrimental
to our collective welfare...?

hope is there,
sure as always,
remaining with those who love
and those who laugh

yet people do not,
cannot,
see the struggles and the terror and the pain
of those who laugh with others and yet shudder inside

those who do not wear their sadness like a mask,
proclaiming to the world at large
their feelings of doubt.

i ask
can happiness ever be attained,
and can one ever truly live with the thought that it may never be?

exchanges

swollen lips drip acid,
trembling with syllables
meant to be said
but scattered too far in
that soporific brain...

an organ donated
to an ungrateful wretch,
never fully reciprocated,
never fully earned.

strings of saliva
dampen the lines
which separate us always,
evermore remain.

temple to temple,
ear to ear,
always
too scared to share,
too much to bear.

icicles growing gradually
threaten to break the mold,
ingrained in me forever,
yet already far too old.

fleeting

feathers plucked away -

dark black gone,


and in its place,

pale pink underbelly -

with stiffened legs of
ochre


rigor mortis
now resides
in its

long-dead body.


beak reaching upwards,


yet no maternal
aspect
can be found

to care.