seething inside,
my entrails boil...
some wickedness
gives speed to
my racing thoughts.
from far above, harsh light
shines down upon my body,
striking me to the very core
to the crux,
as it were,
of my being.
i fall, slowly but surely,
tumbling downwards
while
a multitude of voices
all cry out as one.
i am caught, held aloft
in the sky below the sky,
as emeralds and indigos
engulf me completely.
the ever-changing canopy,
its branches stripped away,
coiled together like snakes
reaching out to find
only me.
wet tendrils snaking downwards,
arching past the small of my back
free-falling still, without me
and setting themselves free.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
and yet
heavy rain pounds on the roof above,
drumming a beat that leads their dance
in all its intricacies and twists and poses,
they find that no music is necessary
taking a breath in, inhaling his cologne
she tells herself to be calm, quiet
while everything inside of her says
fuck that shit
straining to make sure that no sound
slips out of her while he slips in,
she attempts to keep her thoughts at bay
but they are no match for him
dripping down the back of her neck
hot sweat reaches out to him,
creating a tenuous connection between
their two bodies that nothing can break
nails raking down his back, pulling him closer
until there is no space at all left for jesus,
she whispers in his ear
so close and yet so far.
drumming a beat that leads their dance
in all its intricacies and twists and poses,
they find that no music is necessary
taking a breath in, inhaling his cologne
she tells herself to be calm, quiet
while everything inside of her says
fuck that shit
straining to make sure that no sound
slips out of her while he slips in,
she attempts to keep her thoughts at bay
but they are no match for him
dripping down the back of her neck
hot sweat reaches out to him,
creating a tenuous connection between
their two bodies that nothing can break
nails raking down his back, pulling him closer
until there is no space at all left for jesus,
she whispers in his ear
so close and yet so far.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
regret
Things are not always as they seem.
An old man, his gait unwieldy and back bent, barks at two teenagers across the street. As the ruffians scurry off into the distance, he hangs his head in shame, recalling the memory of his stillborn daughter. The pent-up rage has built up inside of him over the years, with no clear target or means of escape.
Three doors down, almost close enough to smell her perfume, a brunette in a yellow dress embraces a beaming man in plaid. Unbeknownst to him, only minutes ago she kissed her beau farewell as her husband's familiar flannel shirt entered the foyer.
Through the upstairs window of their pristine abode, beyond their close-knit forms - already indistinguishable from each other - one can see a woman peering down from the balcony next door. By all appearances content, cooing softly to her young charges (luckily in her care only for the day), the surrogate mother seems lost in thought.
On closer inspection, however, one might catch a glimpse of wistfulness in her otherwise neutral eyes, perhaps noting that they have ceased to sparkle when she smiles. They are seen less and less often with each day that passes.
Nostalgia for a life once lived - and for the person she used to be, before she knew the ways of the world - burrows its way through the clay that is her brain, whispering empty promises to the deep recesses of her mind.
If only for some semblance of unfettered appreciation, sans bells, whistles, or strings, the honorary matriarch takes on job after job. Spreading herself thin, like butter over too much bread, she overfills her life - pushing herself to the utmost limit - until every possible cup runneth over.
What she seeks, however, lies not in academia. Nor does it reside behind a desk or within a cubicle. The sheer bliss of unconditional love, even just some acknowledgement of a life well lived, an emotion perfectly expressed, is her nourishment. Her sustenance.
Unfortunately, she has spent her entire life in a famine.
An old man, his gait unwieldy and back bent, barks at two teenagers across the street. As the ruffians scurry off into the distance, he hangs his head in shame, recalling the memory of his stillborn daughter. The pent-up rage has built up inside of him over the years, with no clear target or means of escape.
Three doors down, almost close enough to smell her perfume, a brunette in a yellow dress embraces a beaming man in plaid. Unbeknownst to him, only minutes ago she kissed her beau farewell as her husband's familiar flannel shirt entered the foyer.
Through the upstairs window of their pristine abode, beyond their close-knit forms - already indistinguishable from each other - one can see a woman peering down from the balcony next door. By all appearances content, cooing softly to her young charges (luckily in her care only for the day), the surrogate mother seems lost in thought.
On closer inspection, however, one might catch a glimpse of wistfulness in her otherwise neutral eyes, perhaps noting that they have ceased to sparkle when she smiles. They are seen less and less often with each day that passes.
Nostalgia for a life once lived - and for the person she used to be, before she knew the ways of the world - burrows its way through the clay that is her brain, whispering empty promises to the deep recesses of her mind.
If only for some semblance of unfettered appreciation, sans bells, whistles, or strings, the honorary matriarch takes on job after job. Spreading herself thin, like butter over too much bread, she overfills her life - pushing herself to the utmost limit - until every possible cup runneth over.
What she seeks, however, lies not in academia. Nor does it reside behind a desk or within a cubicle. The sheer bliss of unconditional love, even just some acknowledgement of a life well lived, an emotion perfectly expressed, is her nourishment. Her sustenance.
Unfortunately, she has spent her entire life in a famine.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
seeds
emptiness engulfs me,
flooding every orifice,
until nothing is left
except long-forgotten thoughts
and dreams dashed to pieces
on the jagged cliffs below.
fear and self-doubt
crouch below the drop off,
on the outskirts of my mind,
waiting for the right moment to
strike, and break my heart once more,
from the inside, as usual.
a frail organ, it barely beats,
not wanting to appear overeager
in its desire for another taste
of that sweet requited love,
which it cast away on a whim.
confusion reigns supreme in this heart of hearts,
having never known anything but loneliness,
but somehow the seeds of truth have begun to
sprout, pushing their way out of the dark soil,
and rearing their marvelously ugly heads.
armed with the cold, hard truth
that is true love, the real thing,
the heart - unable to contain itself -
bursts...
...rendering it useless yet again.
what can you do with love?
hope for the best and let the
other party take it from there.
flooding every orifice,
until nothing is left
except long-forgotten thoughts
and dreams dashed to pieces
on the jagged cliffs below.
fear and self-doubt
crouch below the drop off,
on the outskirts of my mind,
waiting for the right moment to
strike, and break my heart once more,
from the inside, as usual.
a frail organ, it barely beats,
not wanting to appear overeager
in its desire for another taste
of that sweet requited love,
which it cast away on a whim.
confusion reigns supreme in this heart of hearts,
having never known anything but loneliness,
but somehow the seeds of truth have begun to
sprout, pushing their way out of the dark soil,
and rearing their marvelously ugly heads.
armed with the cold, hard truth
that is true love, the real thing,
the heart - unable to contain itself -
bursts...
...rendering it useless yet again.
what can you do with love?
hope for the best and let the
other party take it from there.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
inception
tracing the bridge of his nose
with the tip of her index finger,
the warmth rises from his
recently dampened skin and
incites a smile within her.
closer is never enough as he pulls her in,
commingling their deep inhalations.
inch by inch she draws near,
and yet still remains just out of
the reach of his embrace.
as the night opens up around them,
they bask in its sheer potential,
letting it roil between their bodies
like the ever growing floods
outside their open window.
cocooning her in the headiness,
the lust-filled air barely visible,
he seems to stare deep inside of her
and coaxes her secrets out of the
alcoves of her heart.
deeper and deeper he goes,
spelunking within her mind,
navigating tangents as well as
discovering the true inception of
their mutual adoration.
as hard as it is to let herself go,
it is more difficult still to let him
out of her sight, let alone her heart.
she can stand it no longer when she realizes
the two of them were meant for each other.
sadder still, the truth has yet to be revealed,
making the longing between them all the stronger.
later on that night,
after she has left her lover
(for good this time, she tells herself again)
she cries herself to sleep.
lying in bed with her husband, she
see herself as an absolute stranger.
with the tip of her index finger,
the warmth rises from his
recently dampened skin and
incites a smile within her.
closer is never enough as he pulls her in,
commingling their deep inhalations.
inch by inch she draws near,
and yet still remains just out of
the reach of his embrace.
as the night opens up around them,
they bask in its sheer potential,
letting it roil between their bodies
like the ever growing floods
outside their open window.
cocooning her in the headiness,
the lust-filled air barely visible,
he seems to stare deep inside of her
and coaxes her secrets out of the
alcoves of her heart.
deeper and deeper he goes,
spelunking within her mind,
navigating tangents as well as
discovering the true inception of
their mutual adoration.
as hard as it is to let herself go,
it is more difficult still to let him
out of her sight, let alone her heart.
she can stand it no longer when she realizes
the two of them were meant for each other.
sadder still, the truth has yet to be revealed,
making the longing between them all the stronger.
later on that night,
after she has left her lover
(for good this time, she tells herself again)
she cries herself to sleep.
lying in bed with her husband, she
see herself as an absolute stranger.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
certainty
I slowly soak in a claw-foot tub,
wrapping my mind around
the doubts holding me back
from a life I could lead
if I just let go of my fear.
reminiscing about the near past,
my mind wanders in circles,
the labyrinthine maze of emotions
sending me back to the drawing board
of my life.
nothing is as it appears to be,
love is negligible and certainty is scarce.
my heart rests on a fine line
between freedom and belonging.
commitment can be a tall order...
letting the suds warm me to the core,
I drift away into a place where
nothing changes for the worse -
dreams are accomplished and
childhood heroes no longer disappoint.
knowing that my own love is true,
the only thing in this world that is certain,
helps me to finally overcome my fears
and let go of the inner chains holding me fast
to a part of the past that no longer applies.
wrapping my mind around
the doubts holding me back
from a life I could lead
if I just let go of my fear.
reminiscing about the near past,
my mind wanders in circles,
the labyrinthine maze of emotions
sending me back to the drawing board
of my life.
nothing is as it appears to be,
love is negligible and certainty is scarce.
my heart rests on a fine line
between freedom and belonging.
commitment can be a tall order...
letting the suds warm me to the core,
I drift away into a place where
nothing changes for the worse -
dreams are accomplished and
childhood heroes no longer disappoint.
knowing that my own love is true,
the only thing in this world that is certain,
helps me to finally overcome my fears
and let go of the inner chains holding me fast
to a part of the past that no longer applies.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
tension
sitting on opposite ends
of the same scratchy couch,
we eye each other tentatively
as the night wears on
pointed looks turn to caresses
as the party fills up with guests
we hardly notice the change
and instead have eyes
only for each other.
punch drunk with lust,
reeling from the tension
in the air, over our heads
waiting to settle on top of us
aided by the night air,
we fit each other so well
breathing in and out,
together as one
if only for the night.
of the same scratchy couch,
we eye each other tentatively
as the night wears on
pointed looks turn to caresses
as the party fills up with guests
we hardly notice the change
and instead have eyes
only for each other.
punch drunk with lust,
reeling from the tension
in the air, over our heads
waiting to settle on top of us
aided by the night air,
we fit each other so well
breathing in and out,
together as one
if only for the night.
agathokakological
out of balance with morality,
coming to terms with
my own desires and urges
ignorant of the nuances
within my inner workings.
an impossible task,
digging deeper inside
where nothing is left
but raw emotions
and animal instincts.
tearing out my hair,
scratching at my eyes,
letting loose all the
darkness inside of me.
as the white light
engulfs my mind,
black clouds gather,
ready to enshroud
that which is my life.
forever fighting,
neither good nor evil
ever prevails completely.
coming to terms with
my own desires and urges
ignorant of the nuances
within my inner workings.
an impossible task,
digging deeper inside
where nothing is left
but raw emotions
and animal instincts.
tearing out my hair,
scratching at my eyes,
letting loose all the
darkness inside of me.
as the white light
engulfs my mind,
black clouds gather,
ready to enshroud
that which is my life.
forever fighting,
neither good nor evil
ever prevails completely.
satisfaction
you never let me in
always holding me at bay
an arm's length away
to make that compromise
within myself
I must
let go of the desire
that makes me ache,
forever longing
reaching out for more.
living life in the moment,
blocking out the past
not dreaming of the future,
but letting it happen
on its own terms.
rolling around together
in the hay of life
yet somehow, still,
I can't get that
satisfaction
you seem content
to live without.
why should i have to
give up intimacy
in lieu of love?
in the darkness,
I sit alone
with my thoughts,
letting them wrap me up
completely and utterly,
the way you never will.
always holding me at bay
an arm's length away
to make that compromise
within myself
I must
let go of the desire
that makes me ache,
forever longing
reaching out for more.
living life in the moment,
blocking out the past
not dreaming of the future,
but letting it happen
on its own terms.
rolling around together
in the hay of life
yet somehow, still,
I can't get that
satisfaction
you seem content
to live without.
why should i have to
give up intimacy
in lieu of love?
in the darkness,
I sit alone
with my thoughts,
letting them wrap me up
completely and utterly,
the way you never will.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
wisp
i tremble inside, waiting for you -
never letting go of the idea
that we could have been more,
if i had worked up the nerve
to speak my peace
earlier.
having just a glimmer of hope
and only a smattering of time
in which to imagine a life
for us both, together.
i breathe you in,
arching my back,
to feel you enter
my nothingness.
my hair prickles
as you extend
your hands for
me to grasp.
between us, there is
an air of haughtiness
which belies the intimacy
of such moments...
nothing left for me to do
but sit here wondering
and yet i mull it over
and over and over
until it is nothing more
than a wisp of a
memory.
never letting go of the idea
that we could have been more,
if i had worked up the nerve
to speak my peace
earlier.
having just a glimmer of hope
and only a smattering of time
in which to imagine a life
for us both, together.
i breathe you in,
arching my back,
to feel you enter
my nothingness.
my hair prickles
as you extend
your hands for
me to grasp.
between us, there is
an air of haughtiness
which belies the intimacy
of such moments...
nothing left for me to do
but sit here wondering
and yet i mull it over
and over and over
until it is nothing more
than a wisp of a
memory.
doubt
die antwoord
(the answer)
can be found
by
looking inside
the self -
difficult,
but a necessary
evil.
to know myself,
i must look beyond
the misdemeanors
and past regrets...
to know myself,
i need to dig deep -
get my hands dirty,
find the trail to me.
look at me now,
i know the truth.
it took so long
to finally catch,
but there it was,
simmering slowly
inside my heart.
the seeds of doubt
sprout without
much help.
but sometimes
a little goes a long way
towards freedom.
love...
what a crazy little thing.
(the answer)
can be found
by
looking inside
the self -
difficult,
but a necessary
evil.
to know myself,
i must look beyond
the misdemeanors
and past regrets...
to know myself,
i need to dig deep -
get my hands dirty,
find the trail to me.
look at me now,
i know the truth.
it took so long
to finally catch,
but there it was,
simmering slowly
inside my heart.
the seeds of doubt
sprout without
much help.
but sometimes
a little goes a long way
towards freedom.
love...
what a crazy little thing.
teetering
the slippery slope i am on
betrays me and i fall
and then realize my life
is already at the bottom.
icy and harsh, the wind
batters my body,
sending me careening
past my old life.
ripping to shreds
that which used to be,
leaving nothing to see
at the end of the night.
nowhere to go but down
i find myself teetering
on the edge of my mind
without worry of escape.
until now, i held back
my feelings and desires,
but after that night,
they all came pouring out.
betrays me and i fall
and then realize my life
is already at the bottom.
icy and harsh, the wind
batters my body,
sending me careening
past my old life.
ripping to shreds
that which used to be,
leaving nothing to see
at the end of the night.
nowhere to go but down
i find myself teetering
on the edge of my mind
without worry of escape.
until now, i held back
my feelings and desires,
but after that night,
they all came pouring out.
tenderness
the difficulty of staying away
is tantamount to betrayal -
never letting go of the idea
is the same as acting on it.
when someone you love leaves
does the heart break all at once?
when you make a dire mistake
does it cause the world to end?
if someone shows me
tenderness
why should i not indulge?
if there is no balance left
how am i the one to judge?
never again, i tell myself...
and yet, i go to him.
is tantamount to betrayal -
never letting go of the idea
is the same as acting on it.
when someone you love leaves
does the heart break all at once?
when you make a dire mistake
does it cause the world to end?
if someone shows me
tenderness
why should i not indulge?
if there is no balance left
how am i the one to judge?
never again, i tell myself...
and yet, i go to him.
escape
those tender kisses,
whispers in the night,
where no one
dares go alone.
never listening,
but always hearing
with one eye open
and the other
shut tight.
do not look to the past,
the future will not help,
yet i forever try
to escape the present.
utterly befuddled,
i look ahead,
wondering where
this life will lead.
secrets kept
bottled up inside,
slowly crawling
their way out.
the entrails of my life,
are left exposed,
out to rot in the
blazing sun.
i simply cannot escape
what i have done.
whispers in the night,
where no one
dares go alone.
never listening,
but always hearing
with one eye open
and the other
shut tight.
do not look to the past,
the future will not help,
yet i forever try
to escape the present.
utterly befuddled,
i look ahead,
wondering where
this life will lead.
secrets kept
bottled up inside,
slowly crawling
their way out.
the entrails of my life,
are left exposed,
out to rot in the
blazing sun.
i simply cannot escape
what i have done.
tethers
I was inspired to write this poem by the following lyrics, from Buffalo Springfield's song "For What It's Worth" Paranoia strikes deep/ Into your heart it will creep/ It starts when you're already afraid/ You step out of line, the man come/ And take you away
languishing within the
recesses of her mind
the thoughts crystallize,
forming a block of ice
floating between synapses,
the lazy path it takes
somehow grates on her nerves
reaching over the edge and
peering into the vast depths,
she searches for a sign
to show her the way...
a glimmer of light
a path, perchance,
that might reveal
her true self.
instead of the path, she finds the past:
her passions held at bay,
always at the whim of others.
a slave to her surroundings,
held fast by unseen tethers.
no one seemed to understand
as well they shouldn't
her life, however grand -
filled with friends (acquaintances),
loving parents (unconditional stressors)
relationships (she cannot fully love)
- is, to her, a lie.
all around her, happiness and joy
people enjoying life without a care
while she sits back and watches,
not wishing to invite others in
only for them to leave, disappointed.
her life, shriveled and small,
has shrunk to the point where
any act of kindness is suspect,
friends seem scarce,
enemies abound.
mountains out of molehills
does not teach responsibility.
guilty until proven innocent
does not encourage improvement.
mistakes happen, we are only human -
this is what we should be learning.
an eye for an eye, as gandhi said,
will leave the whole world blind.
languishing within the
recesses of her mind
the thoughts crystallize,
forming a block of ice
floating between synapses,
the lazy path it takes
somehow grates on her nerves
reaching over the edge and
peering into the vast depths,
she searches for a sign
to show her the way...
a glimmer of light
a path, perchance,
that might reveal
her true self.
instead of the path, she finds the past:
her passions held at bay,
always at the whim of others.
a slave to her surroundings,
held fast by unseen tethers.
no one seemed to understand
as well they shouldn't
her life, however grand -
filled with friends (acquaintances),
loving parents (unconditional stressors)
relationships (she cannot fully love)
- is, to her, a lie.
all around her, happiness and joy
people enjoying life without a care
while she sits back and watches,
not wishing to invite others in
only for them to leave, disappointed.
her life, shriveled and small,
has shrunk to the point where
any act of kindness is suspect,
friends seem scarce,
enemies abound.
mountains out of molehills
does not teach responsibility.
guilty until proven innocent
does not encourage improvement.
mistakes happen, we are only human -
this is what we should be learning.
an eye for an eye, as gandhi said,
will leave the whole world blind.
used
Piercing through me,
Straight to the bone,
He turns his gaze to me.
The embers in his eyes
Reveal his true intentions.
I shy away from the coals,
Uneasy but intrigued.
A sigh escapes from me
As I turn away to leave.
Calling out my name,
He lets it linger on his lips,
Lending it a softness
Otherwise absent.
With one look, one glance,
The bond between us
Is steadfast and permanent,
Never letting us free.
But who can he be?
Fused as one, together at last…
Confused, utterly, with all my being…
Perused, a novel desired but not bought.
Straight to the bone,
He turns his gaze to me.
The embers in his eyes
Reveal his true intentions.
I shy away from the coals,
Uneasy but intrigued.
A sigh escapes from me
As I turn away to leave.
Calling out my name,
He lets it linger on his lips,
Lending it a softness
Otherwise absent.
With one look, one glance,
The bond between us
Is steadfast and permanent,
Never letting us free.
But who can he be?
Fused as one, together at last…
Confused, utterly, with all my being…
Perused, a novel desired but not bought.
simplicity
You let me out of this cardboard box and let me see the sky.
I could not feel my own heartbeat until you came around.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder,
But is the quest for truth worth the risk of losing you?
They say that love conquers all, but I don’t know anymore.
Should love take precedence over our hopes and dreams?
I have seen many things, met many people
But no one has affected me quite like you.
Let me be your other half, let me fill you up.
I see the world through your eyes, and I see
Why you need to change it, make it better,
Help those in need, and feed and clothe them.
But who will save my life from sadness?
I have already found the one for me.
This is not about marriage - no funny stuff
Just simple love from me to you.
I could not feel my own heartbeat until you came around.
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder,
But is the quest for truth worth the risk of losing you?
They say that love conquers all, but I don’t know anymore.
Should love take precedence over our hopes and dreams?
I have seen many things, met many people
But no one has affected me quite like you.
Let me be your other half, let me fill you up.
I see the world through your eyes, and I see
Why you need to change it, make it better,
Help those in need, and feed and clothe them.
But who will save my life from sadness?
I have already found the one for me.
This is not about marriage - no funny stuff
Just simple love from me to you.
twisted
the ailing catacombs of my soul
screech their catcalls to your heart,
leaving me to fend for myself,
when others do precious little.
twisted emotions pull me
this way and that, tugging
at my heartstrings
and weaving their darkness
into my veins
creating an afghan of black.
no need to shout, i cannot hear at all
why do you hover beside my ear?
it serves no purpose, nor do you.
screech their catcalls to your heart,
leaving me to fend for myself,
when others do precious little.
twisted emotions pull me
this way and that, tugging
at my heartstrings
and weaving their darkness
into my veins
creating an afghan of black.
no need to shout, i cannot hear at all
why do you hover beside my ear?
it serves no purpose, nor do you.
hiding
watching you is like waiting
for a bomb to explode
within my aching heart.
i never know what you feel
until i ask the question
that hurts me to utter...
i love you, so very much,
and yet i know little of
how you feel towards me.
we exchange words
meaningless or not?
difficult to differentiate.
is there a way to decipher
the words your heart
hides from me - and you?
tell me how to understand.
tell me and we can be free.
for a bomb to explode
within my aching heart.
i never know what you feel
until i ask the question
that hurts me to utter...
i love you, so very much,
and yet i know little of
how you feel towards me.
we exchange words
meaningless or not?
difficult to differentiate.
is there a way to decipher
the words your heart
hides from me - and you?
tell me how to understand.
tell me and we can be free.
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