on my mind

twigs digging into my back
feel harsh but bring me closer
to the reality, to the life
i choose to be living...
that is, in the moment.

losing things with you inside me
plunging into the frigidity
of the lake that is my being
pulling apart the membrane
of two separate people

to become one, together.

sand in my teeth,
under my nails, and
on my mind all the time
since you were with me
for the first time.

i'll be in the sky, waiting forever
for your hungry kiss...
as you push me against a wall
that embraces me in return
for the love i can give out.

wish i had been with you last night.

ditties

it's true - you got me
in an octopus' garden
let me just float on
and don't cry for me
unless bowie's in space

i'm a virgin...but not
quite when you were mine.
i really wanna hold your hand.
let the manhole of my sighs
show that i'm just like a woman.

i know you can satisfy my soul
wouldn't it be nice if instead of
all along the watchtower, i saw
the twisted faces at last...
instead we could be love's proof

it ain't me babe. it ain't me.

chazen

originality is all relative

obvious statement
yes
but true nonetheless

can nobody find anything
new to create anymore?

people work and work,
slaving away,
selling themselves
for recreations
and duplications

of the old masters,
one way or another.

michelangelo
rafael
botticelli
rubens
van gogh

where does it end?
when can we make something
of ourselves
and leave others well alone?

the denoument of one's life
leaves much to the imagination
but little that is actually achieved.

hollow

walk away from me, lover
peel away the layers
strip down to nothing
and let it all out

out into the world at large

spew your thoughts
onto the pavement
letting them splash when they hit
the puddles of crushed hope
strewn around me

sic your unwanted urges
and superfluous feelings
on the hoax that is my life

leaving an empty shell
in the now hollow place
where my mind once was.

i challenge you to
fill me up with yourself.

coverage

peering out from the darkness
you can hear me before i see you

with your clear eyes and
your shock of light hair,
i need no help from my friends
to recognize you for who you are

a devil in satanist's clothing
a whore in a lover's disguise
a grasshopper acting as teacher

a shriveled up, wizened old man
with nothing better to do than hurt -

me.

i cannot help but see ghosts
whenever i hear your name
and pray that i believe in a god
when all hope is lost

but no god appears
and none ever has.

between

her glistening eyes
open themselves to anyone
windows to nowhere
special at all.

embrace the infinite
ever-flowing lifeblood
gushing outward,
from me to you to her to them

you heat up the place
nestled between her legs
and under her skirt
and in your hands

where did we lose it?
nowhere...anywhere
in the mind
in the body

flesh to flesh
never feeling
always touching
and always groping
for more

but never truly receiving what is desired.

worse

somewhere in the distance
i can hear the roar
of your breath in my ears

saying
let me in
let me inside of you

the shudders
of noontime
are almost worse
than being alone

pulling out my hair
on the way to the train
dignifying you with
an answer

is too much to bear

but i give you the rain
i give you my pain
and i give you my all.

it is all i have to give
anymore.

an apolaustic cornucopia of euphonies

Some words everyone should know, and ones that I just enjoy letting roll off my tongue:

A:

atrabilious (at-rah-BIL-yes) — 1. melancholic; gloomy. 2. irritable; ill-natured; peevish

avuncular (ah-VUNG-kyah-ler) — 1. of or having to do with an uncle. 2. regarded as characteristic of an uncle, especially in benevolence or tolerance

B:

boeotian (be-OH-shen) — stupid; dull

botryoidal (BOT-ree-oid-el) — shaped like a bunch of grapes

C:

callipygian (kal-ah-PIJ-ee-en) — having beautifully proportioned buttocks

coprolalia (kop-rah-LA-lee-ah) — 1. the uncontrolled, often obsessive use of obscene or scatological language that may accompany certain mental disorders. 2. foul speech

curple (KER-pul) — buttocks; rump

D:

defenestrate (dee-FEN-i-strate) — to throw out of a window

doryphore (DOR-ee-phor) — one who draws attention to the minor errors made by others, esp. in a pestering manner; a pedantic gadfly

E:

ecdysiast (ek-DEZ-ee-ast) — a striptease artist

epicaricacy (EP-i-kar-ik-i-see) — taking pleasure in other's misfortune; schadenfreude

F:

flibbertigibbet (FLIB-er-tee-jib-it) — a silly, scatterbrained, or garrulous person

funambulism (fyoo-NAM-byah-liz-em) — tightrope walking

G:

gallivant (GAL-ah-vant) — to roam about in search of pleasure or amusement

H:

hebetudinous (heb-i-TOOD-i-nes) — dull-minded; mentally lethargic

hoi polloi (hoi-pah-LOI) — the common people; the masses

I:

insouciant (in-SOO-see-ant) — marked by blithe unconcern; nonchalant

J:

jejune (je-JOON) — not interesting, dull, empty; childish

K:

kakistocracy (kak-i-STOK-rah-see) — government by the worst or least qualified citizens

L:

lachrymose (LAK-rah-mos) — 1. weeping or inclined to weep; tearful. 2. causing or tending to cause tears.

lascivious (lah-SIV-ee-es) — 1. given to or expressing lust; lecherous. 2. exciting sexual desires; salacious

lethologica (lee-tho-LO-gi-ca) — 1. the inability to remember the right word. 2. a psychological disorder that inhibits an individual's ability to articulate thoughts by temporarily forgetting key words, phrases, or names in conversation

logorrhea (log-ah-REE-ah) — excessive, incoherent talkativeness

M:

meretricious (mer-i-TRISH-es) — 1. attracting attention in a vulgar manner; plausible but false or insincere; specious. 2. of or relating to prostitutes or prostitution.

merkin (MUR-kin) — a pubic wig for women

monophagous (moh-NAF-ah-ges) — eating only one kind of food

N:

nihilistic (ni-ah-LIS-tik) — 1. believing all values are baseless and that nothing can be known or communicated. 2. rejecting all distinctions in moral or religious value and repudiating all previous theories of morality or religious belief. 3. believing that destruction of existing political or social institutions is necessary for future improvement. 4. having the delusion that the world or one's mind, body, or self does not exist

O:

obloquy (OB-lah-kwee) — verbal abuse of a person or thing

omphaloskepsis (om-fah-loh-SKEP-sis) — contemplation of one's navel

P:

pandiculation (pan-dik-yoo-LA-shen) — yawning and stretching (as when first waking up).

phalanx (FA-langks) — a compact group of people

pilgarlic (pil-GAR-lik) — a bald-headed man

pulchritudinous (pul-kri-TOOD-en-es) — having great physical beauty or appeal

Q:

quatopygia (kwah-tah-PIJ-ee-ah) — the shaking of the buttocks while walking

quidnunc (KWID-nungk) — a busybody; a nosy person

R:

ribaldry (RI-bal-dree) — coarse language or humor

rodomontade (rod-ah-mon-TADE) — pretentious boasting or bragging; bluster

S:

sesquipedalian (ses-kwi-pi-DAY-lee-en) — 1. given to using long words. 2. (of a word) containing many syllables

siderodromophobia (si-der-oh-droh-moh-PHO-bee-ah) — fear of trains, railroads, or train travel

somnambulism (som-NAM-byah-liz-em) — sleepwalking

steatopygian (stee-at-oh-PIJ-ee-ah) — having an excess accumulation of fat on the buttocks

T:

titillating (TIT-i-layt-ing) — 1. stimulating from light touching; tickling. 2. pleasurably, superficially, or erotically exciting

troglodyte (TROG-lah-dite) — a cave dweller; recluse

U:

ululate (UL-ya-late) — to howl, wail, or lament loudly

uxorious (uk-SOR-ee-es) — excessively fond or submissive to one's wife

V:

valetudinarian (val-i-tood-en-AR-ee-en) — a sickly or weak person, especially one who is constantly and morbidly concerned with his or her health

virago (vi-RA-go) — a loud-voiced, ill-tempered, scolding woman

vitiate (VISH-ee-ate) — 1. to reduce the value or impair the quality of. 2. to corrupt morally; debase. 3. to make ineffective; invalidate

W:

weanling (WEEN-ling) — a child or animal newly weaned

X:

xanthippe (zan-THIP-ee) — 1. the wife of Socrates: the prototype of the quarrelsome, scolding wife. 2. a shrewish, nagging wife.

Y:

yesternight (YES-ter-nite) — last night

Z:

zaftig (ZAF-tig) — 1. full-bosomed. 2. having a full, shapely figure

sounds

i can hear your voice in my dreams
warming me to my core
letting in the light, allowing the
dark to seep its way out.

as much as i hate to be alone,
being with someone under
false pretenses is worse
than cheating and lying and dying
for a cause i don't really believe in.

hearing your laughter,
your lilting lightheartedness
which your lips eke out
for all the public to take in.

take me in your arms
so that i may see what you see
in me.

mistakes

solitary whispers in the fog,
dictating my whole life
which stands before me
open and inviting

until

the sound of resignation
the slow release of responsibilities
the thick cloud of lust
draws its curtains around me

and never lets me out
until i make another mistake
about who i let inside.

we're all just babies at heart
ignorant of love at a greater level,
than just admiration and dependence
on those who care for you.

passion takes over my mind
when nothing else makes sense
and leads me towards an unknown path
which seems to writhe beneath me.

i cannot see far enough in front
and am blind to my own true self
looking inward helps me little
and only skews my emotions

with the wrath of a lover scorned.

brick wall

so unsure am i,
unsteady on my feet
never ready to take the next step
in life.

if indeed i do decide
to further embark
along a chosen path,
i am never fully satisfied...

there is always something
that i have missed -
or, that is how it appears
in my own twisted view.

one way yields a brick wall
another way shows me my future
but what does it entail?
to walk away from it all.

why are we forced to
give up our beliefs,
to lick the shoes
of those we hate?

getting farther in the world,
gaining higher ground...
these things, i have decided,
are not for me at all.

wink

come, now, you two,
standing at attention
in front of me:
both a part of you, yes,
but with garnishment
all their own.

metal in your sternum
glistens in the dark,
letting in the rain
that pours down
like a shaft of light,
heightening our sensations.

steeling myself for it all:
the moment we touch,
when utter ecstasy
and sheer bliss
envelop our collective
consciousness.

i follow hungrily,
a blanket of tiny hairs
that trail their way down,
leading me south...
the road less traveled
could easily lie here.

cerulean

i know not what the future may hold,
but i can already feel my life reaching out
to touch me and yet there is also
a release, a release of cares
and the introduction of indifference.

hope flees me suddenly,
showing me what could be,
what could happen,
sans a semblance of the trust
I have now in myself,
in my potential.

should i give up,
my life is on the brink.
despair - such a definite term
cerulean in color -
but it resembles me
in so many ways.

fleeting happiness,
tickling me tantalizingly,
is always too elusive to grasp
with any chance of keeping it...
with enough time to savor it.

nobody understands
what anyone else is going through
walking miles in no shoes at all
least of all yours.

pieces

beautiful glass shapes
filling up my life
pieces of me, pieces of green
in one end
coming out the other
to increase my height

puffs of white, thick swirls
flow past my cheeks
my mouth rounds itself
to surround the hole

suck in slowly
hold the pose
smile for the camera
let it be
a moment forever frozen
in my mind

emotions floating
around the room
bon iver in my head
hendrix in my veins
everything in my mind
but nothing in my hands

hazy thoughts cross my mind
people everywhere snarl my name
gnawing away at my soul
but I am never truly theirs
nor truly mine.

just stop

give me back my life
let me go, please
you're hurting my soul
but more than that
you're hurting yourself

it was over before it began
the thoughts pouring out like rain
the sound of busy humming
the clash of metal on metal
we were done and you didn't know

inklings
hunches
gut reactions
told me and told me again

you were not for me
i was not for you
we were nowhere near
becoming one

organs crushed underfoot
the smell of clarity, finally
seeing my life unfold
without you

brings a light into my heart.

visibility

faces shifting
ever changing
can time stop for a second
never never

for me
or you

wishful thinking
of a new path
noises...never let me sleep
without a new dimension
of thought, word, and deed

drinking the odors
of the earth
feeling the waves of sound
surround me

i know i am at one
with everything
and nothing

simultaneous pleasure
and repulsion
envelop me

wrap themselves up in me
wrap me up in their embrace
interminable pain
never ending confusion

obfuscating and obstructing,
i flee myself
but yet remain tranquil

blind and content.

aimlessness

in a zoe trope
spinning my life away
in a haze of blue smoke
with nutmeg on my breath

i see you in the distance
a blur...becoming clear
too far to touch, but
close enough to hear

let me show you why
i told you all those times
tearing at my clothes
screaming out in pain

within my coal black center
i look inside for more
nothing says i love you
like whispering take me now.

unattainability

songs with no meaning
take hope from the hopeless,
vacuuming our fate
til it becomes nothing more than darkness
cloaked in naught.

words are just words,
can they ever truly save?
all is so relative...
can happiness ever truly remain
or am i still hanging by a thread like so many others?

would you have us be drones
cleaning out our minds, leaving nothing behind -
rendering its nostalgic leanings merely detrimental
to our collective welfare...?

hope is there,
sure as always,
remaining with those who love
and those who laugh

yet people do not,
cannot,
see the struggles and the terror and the pain
of those who laugh with others and yet shudder inside

those who do not wear their sadness like a mask,
proclaiming to the world at large
their feelings of doubt.

i ask
can happiness ever be attained,
and can one ever truly live with the thought that it may never be?

exchanges

swollen lips drip acid,
trembling with syllables
meant to be said
but scattered too far in
that soporific brain...

an organ donated
to an ungrateful wretch,
never fully reciprocated,
never fully earned.

strings of saliva
dampen the lines
which separate us always,
evermore remain.

temple to temple,
ear to ear,
always
too scared to share,
too much to bear.

icicles growing gradually
threaten to break the mold,
ingrained in me forever,
yet already far too old.

fleeting

feathers plucked away -

dark black gone,


and in its place,

pale pink underbelly -

with stiffened legs of
ochre


rigor mortis
now resides
in its

long-dead body.


beak reaching upwards,


yet no maternal
aspect
can be found

to care.