seeing

green and blue hues swim
in front of my watery eyes.
the smoke suddenly clear,

I see me.

uncomprehending, I lurch
forward to get a better view
and gasp at what I see.

I see puffy eyes, red with the blood
pulsing maniacally in my veins,
dilated and wide with substance.

I see flushed cheeks, red from
slapping them with my own hands,
an idea that got old far too late.

I see messy hair, red but fading,
sticking out from every direction
and needing to be taken care of.

I see my hands, red and scratched
from my tiffs with friends more
under “the” influence than I.

I see me.

is this what I have become?
I can barely recognize myself
with all the changes
that it has caused.

never again, no more, I vow.
first thing...starting tomorrow.