wisp

i tremble inside, waiting for you -
never letting go of the idea
that we could have been more,
if i had worked up the nerve

to speak my peace
earlier.

having just a glimmer of hope
and only a smattering of time
in which to imagine a life
for us both, together.

i breathe you in,
arching my back,
to feel you enter
my nothingness.

my hair prickles
as you extend
your hands for
me to grasp.

between us, there is
an air of haughtiness
which belies the intimacy
of such moments...

nothing left for me to do
but sit here wondering

and yet i mull it over
and over and over
until it is nothing more
than a wisp of a

memory.

doubt

die antwoord
(the answer)
can be found

by
looking inside
the self -

difficult,
but a necessary
evil.

to know myself,
i must look beyond
the misdemeanors
and past regrets...

to know myself,
i need to dig deep -
get my hands dirty,
find the trail to me.

look at me now,
i know the truth.

it took so long
to finally catch,
but there it was,
simmering slowly
inside my heart.

the seeds of doubt
sprout without
much help.

but sometimes
a little goes a long way
towards freedom.

love...
what a crazy little thing.

teetering

the slippery slope i am on
betrays me and i fall
and then realize my life
is already at the bottom.

icy and harsh, the wind
batters my body,
sending me careening
past my old life.

ripping to shreds
that which used to be,
leaving nothing to see
at the end of the night.

nowhere to go but down
i find myself teetering
on the edge of my mind
without worry of escape.

until now, i held back
my feelings and desires,
but after that night,
they all came pouring out.

tenderness

the difficulty of staying away
is tantamount to betrayal -
never letting go of the idea
is the same as acting on it.

when someone you love leaves
does the heart break all at once?

when you make a dire mistake
does it cause the world to end?

if someone shows me
tenderness
why should i not indulge?

if there is no balance left
how am i the one to judge?

never again, i tell myself...
and yet, i go to him.

escape

those tender kisses,
whispers in the night,
where no one
dares go alone.

never listening,
but always hearing
with one eye open
and the other
shut tight.

do not look to the past,
the future will not help,
yet i forever try
to escape the present.

utterly befuddled,
i look ahead,
wondering where
this life will lead.

secrets kept
bottled up inside,
slowly crawling
their way out.

the entrails of my life,
are left exposed,
out to rot in the
blazing sun.

i simply cannot escape
what i have done.

tethers

I was inspired to write this poem by the following lyrics, from Buffalo Springfield's song "For What It's Worth" Paranoia strikes deep/ Into your heart it will creep/ It starts when you're already afraid/ You step out of line, the man come/ And take you away

languishing within the
recesses of her mind
the thoughts crystallize,
forming a block of ice

floating between synapses,
the lazy path it takes
somehow grates on her nerves

reaching over the edge and
peering into the vast depths,
she searches for a sign
to show her the way...

a glimmer of light
a path, perchance,
that might reveal
her true self.

instead of the path, she finds the past:

her passions held at bay,
always at the whim of others.
a slave to her surroundings,
held fast by unseen tethers.

no one seemed to understand
as well they shouldn't

her life, however grand -

filled with friends (acquaintances),
loving parents (unconditional stressors)
relationships (she cannot fully love)

- is, to her, a lie.

all around her, happiness and joy
people enjoying life without a care

while she sits back and watches,
not wishing to invite others in
only for them to leave, disappointed.

her life, shriveled and small,
has shrunk to the point where
any act of kindness is suspect,
friends seem scarce,
enemies abound.

mountains out of molehills
does not teach responsibility.
guilty until proven innocent
does not encourage improvement.

mistakes happen, we are only human -
this is what we should be learning.

an eye for an eye, as gandhi said,
will leave the whole world blind.

used

Piercing through me,
Straight to the bone,
He turns his gaze to me.
The embers in his eyes
Reveal his true intentions.

I shy away from the coals,
Uneasy but intrigued.
A sigh escapes from me
As I turn away to leave.

Calling out my name,
He lets it linger on his lips,
Lending it a softness
Otherwise absent.

With one look, one glance,
The bond between us
Is steadfast and permanent,
Never letting us free.

But who can he be?
Fused as one, together at last…
Confused, utterly, with all my being…
Perused, a novel desired but not bought.