words will never hurt me

prying eyes, following
me everywhere I go
never allowing any
peace of mind,
I have no time alone.

people all around
watching, waiting
for me to err -
marring my life,
scuffing my future.

hovering near me
talking incessantly
about nothing at all
I tune them out but
somehow still hear.

a guillotine of words
shower upon my head
washing over me in sharp
waves of piercing urgency,
repeating the same phrases
tirelessly, again and again.

letting their words dry,
evaporating slowly from
my soaked, shivering body,
I listen to them for once.
what is all the fuss about?

failure, slippery slope, unmotivated, waste, mistakes, worry...

continuing forever, seemingly,
it is difficult to close my ears
to the hatred and the words
that should never hurt me,
but that hurt more than the
proverbial sticks and stones.

contrary to their phrasal barrage,
I choose to live my life my way -
no interferences or interruptions.
I know they love me, I know it,
but this is not the way to show it.

knowing

the infectious way you laugh
your future aspirations
the blue hue of your eyes
why you hate cheese

all these things i know

yet none of them holds a candle
to the things i feel about you

knowledge may be power
but i need no power over you

what i feel is more powerful

the way you lighten my load
and take away my fears . . .
that is all the more important

feelings overpower me
but i welcome them with
open arms, outstretched
to take you inside

to show you how i feel.

withdrawal

I memorize every inch of you,
taking in your distinctive aroma.
putting it at the forefront,
the very pinnacle
of my mind.

trying to keep you with me
somehow,
straining to feel your embrace
during the cold, lonely nights
you seem nothing but a dream.

when my eyes finally close
and my mind ceases to race,
you are what I long for.
making me whole,
maintaining my sanity,
when you are by my side.

withdrawal eats away at me,
chilling me to the bone and
sending me reeling.
as much as you leaving would kill me,
being the one to leave hurts the most.

the feeling of needing someone
is new and alien to me,
and yet I find myself
day after day, yearning
to have you in my arms.

I look forward to the day when I can see you again.

all over me

smiling, i hear music.

drenched in purple richness,
doubled over with its weight
i sense the trickling of water
slowly spilling out from my brain

losing it all, reducing myself
to nothing more than dust
i feel around with my fingers,
antennae of a different sort.

too high to ask for help from you,
too high to sink to that level,
too high to do much of anything...

leaving myself behind, i have one and then another.

i shrink back, my hands forming a window.
nothing is real, it all looks too bright.

shapes and shimmers at my back,
feeling them crawl all over me
like legs with no bodies
or feet with no legs
or toes with no feet
all over me...

shivers take me over, all is black.

coming out of my funk, i see more light - the light.

another? i think not.

not you

reaching upwards
failing yet again
who can extend
a hand or a limb?

detached from you
like milk and oil -
never truly together,
i skirted the edges

of your life.

letting you go was
the hardest thing,
and yet once i did
a feeling of lightness

enveloped me.

my life is so full now,
my heart so healthy,
but never can i forget
the things of the past.

no longer an option,
hate does nothing for me.
i can now only love,
and love i do...

but not you.

return

i wake up next to your
warm, empty place
on the bed at my side;
it's rapidly turning cold.

your lush, green odor
permeates my mind,
remnants left over
from so recently...

i feel your hands
upon my contours,
and never let go of
the ideas that loom.

looking at myself
in the mirror, i see
you behind my eyes
and within my smile.

hearing voices, i turn
to see you at the door -
coming from the kitchen,
you never left at all.

deception

so close and yet so far,
arms always around me
and yet somehow absent -
in the smallest of things
i feel cold and small.

contrary to appearances,
things can be deceptive
and draw you in only to
let you go prematurely
and leave you with nothing.

printed cards emblazoned
with two names, united.

shoving the truth in my face,
with no room for ambiguity.

i thought we were together
i thought it wouldn't end
i thought you said you loved me,
no lies slipping through your teeth.

but slip they did, like eels in oil,
and now i am left with no one
to spend my nights with

or take to your wedding.