plunge

exchanging glances across the room,
waiting for him to make his move
it's all i can do to look away...
but he finally takes the plunge

that smile, showing all his teeth
sends shivers down my spine
how lovely to see happiness
and how it becomes him so!

to spend time with someone new
taking in all the richness of his company
and breathing in the smoke of life
is the marrow of the day we must seize.

feeling the warmth of the sun on my
flushed face as we emerge from below,
coughing and smiling and laughing
our time spent inhaling and living.

unsure whether to lean in for a hug
or if i should succumb to my desire
and lean in for that kiss i want so much,
i head for home, without looking back.

seeing

green and blue hues swim
in front of my watery eyes.
the smoke suddenly clear,

I see me.

uncomprehending, I lurch
forward to get a better view
and gasp at what I see.

I see puffy eyes, red with the blood
pulsing maniacally in my veins,
dilated and wide with substance.

I see flushed cheeks, red from
slapping them with my own hands,
an idea that got old far too late.

I see messy hair, red but fading,
sticking out from every direction
and needing to be taken care of.

I see my hands, red and scratched
from my tiffs with friends more
under “the” influence than I.

I see me.

is this what I have become?
I can barely recognize myself
with all the changes
that it has caused.

never again, no more, I vow.
first thing...starting tomorrow.

him

euphoria overwhelms my life;
until now, I never felt this way.
I don't think I will ever go back.

everything reminds me of him,
and I cannot go for long without
hearing his rich, calming voice.

having happiness within reach is
new to me in absolutely every way -
I could really get used to its warmth.

knowing that things can only get better
helps me sleep at night when all I need
is his body lying there next to me.

conflicting emotions radiate from me,
parental worries surround my head,
and yet I feel blissfully unaware -

ensconced within a warm, content cocoon
of requited affection and mutual happiness.

an amateur scientist in the art of love,
he has created a wonderful monster,
made from respect and attraction and

a sort of lightness that keeps me afloat
in those days without him by my side.

ecstasy is mine, shared only by him.
being with him is worth every sacrifice, and
my parents have even fallen under his spell.

his magic is without ulterior motives,
meant to buoy us both higher and higher,
raising ourselves to meet our hopes

and fulfill our many-splendored dreams.

words will never hurt me

prying eyes, following
me everywhere I go
never allowing any
peace of mind,
I have no time alone.

people all around
watching, waiting
for me to err -
marring my life,
scuffing my future.

hovering near me
talking incessantly
about nothing at all
I tune them out but
somehow still hear.

a guillotine of words
shower upon my head
washing over me in sharp
waves of piercing urgency,
repeating the same phrases
tirelessly, again and again.

letting their words dry,
evaporating slowly from
my soaked, shivering body,
I listen to them for once.
what is all the fuss about?

failure, slippery slope, unmotivated, waste, mistakes, worry...

continuing forever, seemingly,
it is difficult to close my ears
to the hatred and the words
that should never hurt me,
but that hurt more than the
proverbial sticks and stones.

contrary to their phrasal barrage,
I choose to live my life my way -
no interferences or interruptions.
I know they love me, I know it,
but this is not the way to show it.

knowing

the infectious way you laugh
your future aspirations
the blue hue of your eyes
why you hate cheese

all these things i know

yet none of them holds a candle
to the things i feel about you

knowledge may be power
but i need no power over you

what i feel is more powerful

the way you lighten my load
and take away my fears . . .
that is all the more important

feelings overpower me
but i welcome them with
open arms, outstretched
to take you inside

to show you how i feel.

withdrawal

I memorize every inch of you,
taking in your distinctive aroma.
putting it at the forefront,
the very pinnacle
of my mind.

trying to keep you with me
somehow,
straining to feel your embrace
during the cold, lonely nights
you seem nothing but a dream.

when my eyes finally close
and my mind ceases to race,
you are what I long for.
making me whole,
maintaining my sanity,
when you are by my side.

withdrawal eats away at me,
chilling me to the bone and
sending me reeling.
as much as you leaving would kill me,
being the one to leave hurts the most.

the feeling of needing someone
is new and alien to me,
and yet I find myself
day after day, yearning
to have you in my arms.

I look forward to the day when I can see you again.

all over me

smiling, i hear music.

drenched in purple richness,
doubled over with its weight
i sense the trickling of water
slowly spilling out from my brain

losing it all, reducing myself
to nothing more than dust
i feel around with my fingers,
antennae of a different sort.

too high to ask for help from you,
too high to sink to that level,
too high to do much of anything...

leaving myself behind, i have one and then another.

i shrink back, my hands forming a window.
nothing is real, it all looks too bright.

shapes and shimmers at my back,
feeling them crawl all over me
like legs with no bodies
or feet with no legs
or toes with no feet
all over me...

shivers take me over, all is black.

coming out of my funk, i see more light - the light.

another? i think not.